Today turned out to be one of those days for me, I woke up feeling upset about various reasons such as the fact I have to do a maths sup exam, my closest friends are gone, feeling like I don't reach certain standards etc. It was not lekker, I felt alone in the struggle, even though the people I care about most are there for me constantly caring for and loving me, I still felt alone.
I felt even when I cried out to God he didn't hear or I didn't hear his response. I thought to myself perhaps He ,in a way, was focused on some bigger issues in the world, issues like injustice, war, human right violations/abuses, broken homes (and families) and many more major issues. This made me worse, because I felt guilty, how could I possibly be upset about such little, selfish concerns, that in the end will most likely add up to nothing, while people are literally facing life and death for reasons caused by others.
I ended up feeling worse as the day progressed, "the chord is cut, the fears and doubts begin", I started doubting myself, I feared the idea that maybe I can't reach the standards people expected of me or that I couldn't please anyone.
After church at WBC, I felt a little more frustrated because the whole sermon was based on "patience" which clearly I hadn't had that whole day, it's something I needed to hear, but a part of me didn't want to, and that's me being honest.
The thing about all this is the fact that my worry, frustration and guilt didn't matter, it did for me. But it didn't change the fact that even in the bitterness of life God is there. That even in the hardest of times his love prevails. I made a choice that even in the difficult times to believe rather then doubt. I also believe the people he has placed around me are there to help, support and love me, which I do experience countless times even when I need it the most, like today.
After church that evening a few people sent me some what's app messages, noticing I wasn't my self that night, I was immediately thankful for them and how they went out of their way to see if I was okay. I realized that I was never alone or never had to be alone, the people God has placed in my life are there for a reason. I started seeing that even when I'm frustrated, he is there.
When I let people down, God is there.
When I doubt and fear, God is there.
When I have a really good chat with my epic Girlfriend, God is there.
When I watch The Walking Dead, God is there.
When I play music, God is there.
When things are really great, God is there.
When I'm scared, He is there.
"Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. (Philippians 4:6, 7 MSG)"
And today was one of those days but that day is about to end and I have concluded it with this simple sentence:
No, I'm not alright. But God is there.
